It Gets Better

To the girl who started this 10 years ago,

You amaze me sometimes.  I don't write anymore, but perhaps I should.  You wrote so eloquently at times, so typically teenager at others, but most of all what shocks me is how real you were.  In life, I've always hidden my emotions.  I never want to seem vulnerable, so the hard things in my life are usually expressed as a joke.  I've always been a funny girl who carried herself in a way which would never suggest I was anything but in control.  But here, it's laid bare.  You've described feelings I don't even remember having in such excruciating detail that I can feel them again.  Your words explain depression better than any textbook ever could.  I'm amazed that no one ever got concerned enough to turn you into guidance for the things you wrote, because they're pretty dark sometimes.  You had a lot of reason to hurt.  But amidst the pain, there are beautiful moments of joy and friendship, the kind that can only exist in high school.  I get why people say that high school or college are the best years of your life, because there are certainly things that will never be the same, but don't get discouraged when you hear this, because the best is yet to come for you, and I'd like to think that the worst is over.  You'll never believe what you become, by the way.  Although you often spoke of how marriage was not for you, it turns out you'll be the first of your friends to tie the knot.  He's not a singer!  He is someone who takes you for what you are, good and bad.  You'll get married in a church too, the one you'll go to every Sunday.  I know right now it's not cool to be religious, but a lot happens to bring you back to the church and restore your faith.  Don't worry, you're not one of those scary, preachy people.  You just believe.  People like to act like being religious and being intelligent are mutually exclusive, but you'll find that's very far from the truth.  There are stupid and terrible people of all beliefs.  You work retail and don't hate it.  You do music therapy and don't love it.  You have a dog, and while that's surely not a surprise, what might be is how fully she completes your sense of family.  You'll find happiness you've never known before with your husband, but the dog is what really pushes you over into being a happy person.  She'll truly be life changing for you.  The things that weigh so heavily on you now will not always.  In fact, some of them go mostly forgotten.  They have affected you, certainly, but not ruined you. The abuse you're suffering is over, and although that relationship will never be a strong one, it is tolerable now.  The boys that tore you up and crushed your heart are very insignificant.  Even the glorious All State seems less brilliant now.  Your words here help bring back memories, but these memories are not ever present as they once were.  You will not hold onto the people you think you will, but you will hold onto some others.  In general, your friendships will never be the same as they are in high school, so appreciate them while you can.  Your highs and lows are less drastic now.  Some might be quick to say that's because of teenage feelings and such, but I know life is much more stable now, and your emotions, while extreme, were mostly valid.  You're still a little depressive sometimes, a little anxious at others, but nothing is as intense as what is described in these entries.  Anyway, the point of all this is that there's this campaign going on that focuses on children and teenagers.  It's mostly about bullying, and while you were never really bullied (not in any lasting way, at least), I think the sentiment still rings true.  It gets better.  You might not believe this during your dark and dreary days, but it certainly does, more so than you could possibly believe.  I'm kind of an optimist now, so you know something magical must have happened.  So, keep your head up.  It definitely gets better.

Love always,

Your future self

P.S.  Your boobs get even bigger.  It's kinda ridiculous

The Girl Who Got Away

Eponine and Cosette

This isn't really about them, of course.  I haven't seen or read Les Miserables in years, and it's been some time since I've even listened to the music.  They are, however, what often comes to mind when I think about myself.  They represent the duality between hopeless longing and fulfillment.  If you were to look at my life as an outsider, you'd think I'm more like Cosette.  I am, after all, happily engaged to be married to my Marius (I get him after all it seems).  My mom was looking at recent facebook photos of me and commented on how happy I look.  And I am.  I'm really happy with my life right now.  But I will always feel more connected with Eponine.  I watch Glee, and I am back in high school.  I feel for Rachel more than a normal person would.  That hopeless longing for a boy with a girlfriend (or in my case, at times, a boyfriend), is something that still resonates so deeply for me.  I know so well what it's like to be the unwanted, that it's still somewhat hard not to think of myself in that role.  I still like stories that are darker in nature, where not everything works out perfectly in the end.  If I'm honest with myself, I am neither Eponine nor Cosette.  Life's not as simple as being one of those two characters.  I'm more of an Elphaba from Wicked (The songs "I'm Not That Girl" and then "Just for This Moment" come to mind) or a Satine from Moulin Rouge.  Those are characters that are more developed (because let's be honest, neither the play nor the book was really about Eponine or Cosette).  I can latch onto the awkward witch who didn't really fit in anywhere until she met her Fiyero.  Or the courtesan who doesn't believe in love until after a significant amount of begging from her penniless writer.  These two get their fulfillment after some suffering.  Of course, they, like Eponine, die (don't disagree with me.  That sappy ending of Wicked was bullshit and it doesn't count.  She melted, end of story).  It seems I can't really like a character without some tragedy.  And I know Cosette had some tragedy, but that's not how I tend to think of her.  She represents the bright, shiny, happy people that make me want to puke.  I am happy, but I will never be bright and shiny.  And I will never forget what it's like to long hopelessly for what you know you can't have.  A part of me will always be with the Eponines of the world.

Two Mostly Unrelated Things

In a week or so, it will be seven years since I started this.  Seven years doesn't seem like so much, but it's an eternity when you think of how much your life can change.  It's the difference of being a sophomore in high school to being out of college.  That's huge.  Seven years ago, my identity was mostly defined by being the perpetually single girl who kept falling for cute gay boys.  I was so negative about everything.  Now, it's been nearly five years since I've been single.  I wear a ring on my finger, and I'm picking out dresses.  The girl who started this weblog would never believe she'd turn into this.  She might believe she'd be out of her mom's house and in an apartment (I always swore I'd never move back in after college), but never with her fiance.  She wouldn't believe how optimistic I tend to be that everything will work out okay.  She'd think I'm crazy for believing that things happen for a reason and that it's part of God's plan.  I'll certainly never be the kind of person who believes God speaks to them and tells them to go teach kids in China (a completely different rant that I will not get into, except to say that some people seem to use religion as just another way to glorify themselves), but I think enough has happened, both good and bad, in the past year to convince me that life isn't just random occurrences.  Of course we don't completely change.  A depressive girl is always depressive.  While optimistic in general about the future, I still find the negative in little things.  I still cry more than most people who know me would think.  But, generally, I'm a happier person.  This ring on my finger means more to me than it might to other people, because it means I've overcome so much of my past.  I always said I would never get married, mainly because I was afraid of the pain such a strong commitment can set you up for.  But I fell in love and turned into one of those people who believes in soulmates, who believes in happily ever after.  On House this week, Chase says he won't marry Cameron, because she's planning for in case things don't work out in the end.  He says he'll wait until she knows it's right.  She says you can't know that something will work out, that it will last forever.  And he says that he knows.  While I truly hate the direction House has been going in lately, I found this quite relevant, because before I met Devin, I would have thought Chase was crazy, and would have agreed with Cameron that you can't ever know.  But now I know and I find Chase completely justified in not wanting to be with someone who isn't so sure.  So much can change in seven years.

In case all that was too sappy for you, the second part will be more true to the old standard for what my entries were like.

I had a horrible dream a couple weeks ago.  In it, men broke into my house and raped my mother and me.  While truly disturbing, this is not the part that sticks with me.  What continues to upset me is what happened next in the dream.  I ran to your house, and although you let me in, you mostly ignored me while I related my trauma.  You told me you had to go, and you wouldn't stay with me and comfort me.  And I woke up and missed you.  Of all the people who are currently a part of my life, why did I run to someone who's not there for me anymore?  Maybe it's just because I always thought of your house as being somewhere safe and somewhere close enough that I could literally run to if I really needed help.  But I don't even know if you live there anymore.  I don't know where you are at all.  You were my closest friend, both in proximity and emotionally.  You were always the person I would go to when I needed someone to talk to.  The dream makes part of me nostalgic.  If I knew where they were, I'd probably pull out my old year books, reread the page each year that was reserved for your random shit.  The dream makes part of me angry at what I'm missing.  You should've been one of the first people I called when I got engaged.  I always imagined in the rare chance I got married, you'd be one of my bridesmaids.  But I doubt you've even heard the news.  The dream makes part of me wonder what happened to us.  Was it my fault?  Was it yours?  I don't really have any answers.  I don't wonder anymore about the disappearing boys that plagued me for so long.  I don't care what happened to Kirk or why he never talked to me again after All State.  I am free from them.  But I never expected that someday I'd be searching for answers about you.  I never thought you'd become one of the nameless people I direct an entry to, doubtful that it will ever be read by you.  I want you to know that although I made several wonderful friends in college, I never allowed myself to get close enough to any of them that I could be hurt if they walked out of my life.  I want you to know that this has nothing to do with Kirk or Alex or Andy or any of them.  It has to do with you.  I want you to know that I lost many friends from high school, but none were as shocking or as devastating as losing you.  I want you to know that there are songs I can't separate you from, memories I wish I could have back.  I'm a different person now, I know.  I'm mostly happy with how things have turned out for me.  But I miss you sometimes, and you were who I ran to in my dream, even though you weren't willing to help.